Emotional Dysregulation 101
“Practicing safe self regulation over time can help rewire the nervous system’s automatic response. It can give us time to respond to other people rationally, instead of getting swept up in the body’s reaction. ”
- Ericka Thomas
Transcript
Emotional dysregulation 101
When a child is emotionally dysregulated we call it a temper tantrum, a phase and these days “big feelings”. When an adult is emotionally dysregulated we call it mental illness. What is it that happens or doesn’t happen between childhood and adulthood that paves the way for the long list of disorders now associated with emotional dysregulation and what can we do differently? That’s the topic for today’s Work IN.
Before we begin I just want to remind everyone that I am not a therapist or doctor of any kind. What we discuss here is in no way meant to be any kind of diagnosis, prescription or treatment. Mostly this is simple observation with a filter of experience along with some education on what we currently understand about the mind body connection from a health coaching perspective. Even though we’ll touch on some mental health issues I’d like to direct today’s discussion to the topic of emotional dysregulation that is not tied to a mental health diagnosis if possible because I think we’ve all experienced it in some degree. So if being emotionally dysregulated means we’re mentally ill then 100% of people have been mentally ill at one time or another. And I’m pretty sure that’s not true. Probably.
According to the Cleveland clinic
“Emotional dysregulation is a mental health symptom that involves trouble controlling your emotions and how you act on those feelings. To those around you, your emotions and reactions will seem out of proportion compared to what you're reacting to.”
It’s pretty common in young children - hence the terrible 2’s. And that makes sense because developmentally that’s a transition from a time when the only way a child could get their needs met was through crying to a time when usually they have some communication skills. There’s bound to be some overlap there. I think we forget that kids need to be taught how to handle disappointment, how to soothe themselves. And since many parents barely know how to do that themselves it’s no wonder we see so many new “disorders” popping up in kids. The truth is that kids learn regulation good, bad and ugly whether we teach them or not so why not make an effort?
In researching this episode what I found interesting is the number of mental health disorders that apparently “cause” emotional dysregulation in kids and adults. In other words it can be a symptom of many things. Oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, as well as PTSD, Bipolar, OCD, depression and Anxiety disorders. Some of those I’ve never heard of and the cynic in me thinks may have been invented for insurance and pharmaceutical purposes.
I just wonder if like so many other things with the mind body connection and cultural and societal norms if dysregulation is a chicken or the egg kind of thing. Does a mental health disorder cause emotional dysregulation or does unchecked emotional dysregulation lead us down a path to more serious mental health diagnosis in an attempt to medicate away any challenging behaviors. There are so many things that affect our mind and emotional balance that come directly from our physiology from what we eat to how or if we exercise to how much sunlight we get to our hormone transitions from puberty to menopause. But we are not completely at the mercy of our body or of our experiences. In the absence of a mental health diagnosis shouldn’t we take some radical self responsibility? And when (at what age) can we expect that responsibility?
Even for people with a clinical mental health diagnosis, even if they are medicated there’s usually a behavioral component, a skill component to learn to better interact with themselves and others. Rarely does a pill by itself correct something as complex as our inter personal and intra personal experience. Even if we never had good role models as children, when we feel something we can control what if anything we do about it.
I think most people can say that they have lost their temper a time or two. But emotional dysregulation is more than that. I got a question recently asking if dysregulation was dangerous. And when you see the list of those disorders associated with it, I think the answer is that in extreme cases yes it could lead to violence against oneself or others.
Emotional dysregulation looks like…
Having trouble steering your moods, causing you to feel stuck or unable to make yourself feel better, especially with negative moods and emotions like depression, anxiety, etc.
Becoming easily frustrated by small inconveniences or annoyances.
Mood swings.
Impulsive behavior.
Mania or hypomania.
Trouble with emotions interfering with how you pursue goals and achieve desired outcomes.
Being prone to losing your temper.
Persistent irritability or anger between outbursts.
You’ve probably met an adult who was emotionally dysregulated. I know I have. I’ve come across several in my life. One of them blamed it on being irish. As if their nationality gave them permission to be a jerk. Another brushed it off as just part of their personality saying “I’ve always had a temper.” Again, is that an excuse? I suppose one might say that could be a personality disorder. I think when we know people like this we tend to brush it off too and then walk on eggshells around them or cut them out of our lives. God forbid we judge them for it or call them out. But the reality is as adults (outside of diagnosed clinical mental illness) if we have any self awareness at all and know we “have a temper” then we also have a responsibility and capability to learn skills to temper our temper.
It is never too late.
Why is it important for adults to work on emotional self regulation?
The number one reason in my humble opinion is because when we’re in any highly activated state like anger, fear, panic, rage, it literally shuts off our cognitive and executive function in our brain. We can’t think clearly or rationally in those moments and because all the brain wants to do is protect you it also will “adjust” how you see the situation. Sometimes in ways that are not based in reality.
Technically emotions are energy in motion through the body. They only last (if left to their own devices) about 90 seconds. After that it’s a choice that we make to hold on to those emotions, to that energy and keep it at the surface, to keep them at the forefront of our mind. It shifts from sensation in the body to translation in the brain with thoughts like “I have every right to be angry about that.” I should still be angry about that. I deserve to be respected. etc.”
But why would anyone want to feel angry or rageful or hurt and sad for any longer than they needed to?
That is a question for your shadow journal. If you don’t have one of those or haven’t heard that term shadow work it’s something to look into. It’s basically where you take a hard look at all the things you do that you really don’t like. It’s eye opening. Shadow Work acknowledges that sometimes we actually like the feelings that our bad behavior gives us. We deep down like something about it. That we are getting something, some satisfaction out of it, even if we know we shouldn’t.
For example sometimes it actually feels really good and especially righteous to get angry and stay angry. Most of us are not very proud of our behavior in that state and it can feel impossible to change. Especially if you’ve adopted it as part of your identity. But shadow work actually gives you a way to stop by acknowledging what you like about the feeling. It’s a process.
Shadow work aside, improving our own pathways to safe emotional self regulation is something that we can all do at any age by incorporating the ABC’s of resilience.
Starting with awareness. Building some awareness first of how our emotions hit us. What did we learn to do with strong emotions when we were young? What were we taught? And are those coping techniques working for us now? Stuffing emotions or eating our feelings are just as destructive as exploding at the drop of the hat.
Ideally we can learn to share our emotional state in socially acceptable ways and then let it go. It’s difficult when our feelings are hurt but resentment can build up in the body and cause other physical, mental and emotional issues long term. If you’ve held on to things for a long time it might be good to find a mental health professional or counselor to help you start the process of letting it go.
Boundaries are key. We all deserve healthy strong boundaries physically mentally and emotionally. If we’re on the receiving end of someone who is emotionally dysregulated for any reason, we can draw a line. It may be as simple as saying, “I will not be spoken to that way. When you can speak to me calmly we can have this discussion then.” and walk away. Remember people in a dysregulated state are not thinking clearly. And this may be habitual pattern of behavior for them. It might be that no one has ever held them accountable. They might not be able to hear it in themselves. But you don’t have to take it.
If we’re the one struggling with dysregulation we might need some boundaries around triggers. We can’t set them though without awareness of them. This is where a mental health professional can help.
Connection is the final step. Emotional dysregulation over time can separate us from our loved ones, it can disrupt personal relationships and our career. If we start the process of building our own awareness of the sensations in the body that precede our response we can begin to relearn how to soothe ourselves. It’s like reparenting. Practicing safe self regulation over time can help rewire the nervous system’s automatic response. It can give us time to respond to other people rationally, instead of getting swept up in the body’s reaction.
The goal isn’t to be at some kind of flat line of emotion or emotionless all the time. The goal is to be able to give ourselves skills and coping mechanisms so that we can move from and return to a calm socially engaged state in a predictable manner. The goal is to be able to feel, acknowledge and share our emotions in ways that connect us to our community.
Trauma release exercise and yoga both provide ways to practice those mind body connection pathways to safe self regulation. There is a research study on TRE that was completed in 2018 Neurogenic Tremors Training (TRE) for Stress and PTSD: A Controlled Clinical Trial
It had some really interesting results. I’ll share those with you next week as we continue our discussion of safe self regulation.
Thanks for listening! If you like what you heard and want to learn more head over to our show notes at savagegracecoaching.com/theworkin and be sure to leave us a 5 star rating and review so other folks like you can find The Work IN. See you next time.
Hey there!
I’m your host Ericka Thomas. I'm a resilience coach and fit-preneur offering an authentic, actionable realistic approach to personal and professional balance for coaches in any format.
Savage Grace Coaching is all about bringing resilience and burnout recovery. Especially for overwhelmed entrepreneurs, creators and coaches in the fitness industry.
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