Where’s the door
“Strong + healthy boundaries are rooted in your core values…They allow you to trust yourself and grow. You don’t want to build walls so high you can’t see opportunities, that you can’t make connections and learn from other people but you don’t want to let yourself be the doormat either.” - Ericka Thomas
Transcript
Ep 118 Where’s the door?
Today I want to talk about boundaries and how using your natural snark and gut reaction can shine a light on where and what they are for you.
We’ve discussed boundaries before on this podcast. But I’m not sure we’ve tied it to developing your business backbone and authentic voice in your personal and professional relationships.
For many of us establishing strong boundaries is an ongoing evolutionary process. I have heard so many clients, mostly women, and colleagues, again mostly women, complain about a lack of boundaries and how they struggle to stick to them. There’s definitely a lot to unpack there for women. We could blame the patriarchy, “good girl” syndrome, people pleasing, codependency, imposter syndrome…really any and all the cultural things out there. But I believe a big part of our problem setting boundaries is actually in our understanding of what a boundary is. And what it should do for us.
So what is it?
Let’s start with the physical boundary. When you think of a physical boundary what do you think of?
Do you picture a glass window? Or maybe a curtain? Is it a door? Or maybe a fence? Is it a picket fence or chain link or privacy fence? Maybe it’s a solid wall.
In the real world all these things establish a physical boundary between us and the rest of the world.
I think we often try to translate what we understand about these physical boundaries into the invisible world of relationships between ourselves and others, ourselves and our work, ourselves and well, ourselves.
When you come up against a physical wall in the real world you can’t see through it, you don’t necessarily know what you’ll find on the other side and if you want to move forward you’ll need to look for a door.
Defining your own personal boundaries is difficult because our idea of what a healthy boundary is might need a reframe. If your definition of a strong boundary is very rigid, like a stone wall, then anything that gets through that is going to feel like failure.
Yes, strong boundaries can be healthy. But too strong and we become inflexible and difficult to work with. So how do we discover that ease-full balance? Notice I said easeful not easy. They’re two different things. And just because we might have “good” boundaries in one area of your life doesn’t mean they are great everywhere else. Sometimes our business/work life boundaries are fine but personally they’re all out of whack or vice versa.
Any kind of boundary begins with a decision. Decide who you want to be in any given situation and then decide what you need to do or not do to support yourself in that space. Your choices should literally back you up. Strong + healthy boundaries are rooted in your core values, can be both non-negotiable and changeable, and still give you flexibility to connect and move in and out of relationships. They allow you to trust yourself and grow. You don’t want to build walls so high you can’t see opportunities, that you can’t make connections and learn from other people but you don’t want to let yourself be the doormat either.
I remember once in a class there was a gentleman who came in and made a comment about me teaching the class that was borderline disrespectful and indicated that he didn’t want to be there. I responded immediately and without thought, saying “Well, there’s the door.” Almost immediately I cringed on the inside. Because maybe I shouldn’t have said that to a client. But I couldn’t take it back. That response came directly from one of my core values of radical self responsibility. I don’t make anyone come to my classes. They make the commitment to show up. They can stay or go as they choose. This gentleman stayed for class, apologized to me after and became a long time fan. Weird, huh? All because I stood up for myself. This is an example of how we influence each other through our own Core beliefs. If I respect myself and what I do, and act accordingly, others will too.
So let’s talk core values:
Your core values: knowing what you believe and who you are is essential to creating your boundaries that are meaningful. That protects your energy in an ease-full way. At first it takes some vigilance to establish these. To give yourself permission not only to stand up for yourself but to use your voice to do it in a non-confrontational way. Core value inventories are great exercises for this self discovery. Every time you find yourself in a situation that bumps up against one of your core values it’s an opportunity to build self trust. Every time you stand up for yourself your boundaries get stronger.
A simple statement like “I believe in radical self responsibility and so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt but no thank you.” or something like “Family is the most important thing to me and I want to respect my time with them.”
Your core values can be the backbone of your boundaries. The structure if you will. Core values don’t change much usually.
So what does it mean to have both changeable and non negotiable boundaries? That sounds like poor boundaries right there. Pretty wishy washy if you ask me.
Stay with me.
What I mean is Your core values are non negotiable but how you express them may change overtime. If you make a decision to show up a certain way then do that for as long as it serves you.Give yourself permission to change that when it no longer serves you. I’ll give you an example.
In my experience in teaching and coaching I made some decisions early on that served me pretty well in group fitness that I’ll share with you.
I decided not to ever bring politics, my personal opinion about it or otherwise, into my classroom. It just wasn’t worth it for me to piss off 50% of the room. Also people don’t come to me for that. They come to me to get away from that stress and I want to respect that. During some pretty contention political time I had to vocalize that to my classes because I wanted to defend my space for everyone in it. I just said I know there’s a lot going on right now, we’re all a little stressed about it but let's leave it at the door and support each other for this hour…
Plus it’s really just nobody else's business. That right there is a key to discovering and placing your own boundaries. Ask yourself if it’s anyone else's business. If not, then lay down the law.You can’t do that unless you know what your law is.
Another boundary I set was around time. Specifically when classes started and when they ended. Being respectful of my students' time is very important to me so classes always start on time and always end on time. If people want to stay and chat after I’m good with that but I believe that time is valuable. If people are going to make a special effort to spend it with you then you should A.) make it worth it B.) recognize we’re all busy people.
Now the changeable part of your boundaries may come in the context. So you may present yourself differently in a professional setting than you might in a personal setting, maybe not, but usually there’s a little give depending on who you’re with.
In the fitness/coaching industry you’re working with people all the time, building relationships and sometimes the line between coach and friend crosses over a bit. That’s when it gets a little harder to hold boundaries.So that is definitely something to keep in mind. when I teach I bring my A game, I’m an A player. That’s why my classes are always full. My students know they’re getting my best and if you walk in my door you do it of your own free will. What I said earlier is actually true for me. I do believe in radical self responsibility. No one is making you show up. That gentleman apologized after class.
In my politics examples, while I don’t talk politics in classes or with clients I definitely don’t censor myself around my political opinions when I’m with my close friends or family. And this podcast is somewhere in between because there is politics in wellness, through big pharma and big food. So you get some of that from me and I also believe in igniting conversations. Being on time though, is across the board, non negotiable no matter what or where. To me, early is on time and on time is late.
Having said that, strong healthy boundaries are also flexible and allow you to move in and out of relationships and build connections. This is really important. Think about if you were building a really high fence around your yard to keep your dogs safe. You wanted it to be strong so you didn’t put in a gate. And after it was finished you realized that you had built your fence with a lion inside it and no way to get out.
Our boundaries need to have some permeability to allow bad things out and new good things in. That allows us to be teachable, receptive and curious and at the same time allow us to grow into more emotionally mature, engaging human beings.
Creating rock solid, rigid walls around ourselves in the hopes of keeping ourselves safe can reinforce fixed mindset and actually raise stress levels in the face of change by keeping the nervous system in a state of protection over presence.
So where do we even start?
Self study. In yoga this is called svadhyaya. And there’s a lot of ways to begin. But the goal is to ground yourself in your core values in order to show up in the world as who you truly are rather than who you think you should be. To be able to meet challenging experiences and relationships with integrity and trust in yourself first. And for many of us we’ve been living a lifetime of small self betrayal.
So in your own self study, that’s one place to start. Notice moments in your life where you don’t follow through on a thought or action. It can be anything. In The Four agreements it’s called being impeccable with your word. And I know for myself this was something I had a problem with because if I tell someone else I’m going to do something I will over deliver. Unfortunately that doesn’t always apply to myself. So I started small. I chose making my bed and every time I walked through my room where the bed was unmade I said to myself Be impeccable with your word. Every time I saw the bed made I’d say I am impeccable with my word. That’s how you start to rebuild trust with yourself and quiet some of those mean girl thoughts like you’re not good enough you never finish what you start.
The second place to start is discovering what you really want. Many of us have been serving and pleasing other people for so long we’ve forgotten all the things that made us happy. ANd maybe those things have changed so you’re not even sure what they might be. Wouldn’t it be fun to try to reconnect with those things? I’m not just talking about what makes you happy for fun but what do you really want out of life. What do you want to do in the world? How do you want to show up? What do you want your life to look like?
Answering these questions takes time so give yourself the time. Set some boundaries around it and wonder.
The last piece to self discovery around setting boundaries is to take a deepest fear inventory. This is shadow work. A date with your darkside. It starts with all the things you feel strong resistance to. The things that make you say “Not me, I’m not like that.” or “I’d never do that.” are guide posts to your shadow side that might actually want to be that. Some of us already know a lot of the things we’re afraid of. If you’re unsure for yourself make a list of all the things you’ve ever talked yourself out of doing or maybe the things you have the most excuses for not doing. And then ask yourself why, over and over again until you get to the deepest possible answer.
For example: Maybe you find the statement. I don’t have time to take care of myself. Answer 5 whys : 1. Because I work full time and have 3 kids. 2 because someone needs to take the kids to all their activities and get dinner. 3. Because if I don’t do it, who will? 4. Because it’s my job to be the super mom 5. Because I don’t trust anyone else to do it like me. Now if you discover you don’t trust others the question is why and where does that come from? It’s possible you may not trust yourself either and that can show up in other areas… especially in business.
Maybe that’s not the best example of the 5 whys but I think you get the picture. There’s a book called Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot PhD. She talks about this idea that “having is evidence of wanting”. What she means is that some part of you kind of likes all that stuff we say we hate in our lives, all the stuff we complain about, because maybe it makes some dark part of us feel important, or righteous or martyred in some way. It’s an interesting idea. What would you talk about if there wasn’t anything to complain about. I’m not sure it’s 100% true but what is true is we can only control ourselves and how we react to the things that happen around us. And that’s where cultivating our boundaries is so important. So start the excavation. Dig deep and build strong healthy boundaries for yourself. But Whatever you do, don't forget to put in that door.
Thanks for listening today! If you like what you heard and wanna know more about how you can raise the standard of excellence in the fitness industry or you’ve decided to get intentional about your own personal and professional boundaries in your wellness journey head over to savagegracecoaching.com/theworkin for todays show notes, free resources and links to book a call. I’m opening up appointments just for you. Thanks everyone and remember to stop working OUT and start working IN.
Hey there!
I’m your host Ericka Thomas. I'm a resilience coach and fit-preneur offering an authentic, actionable realistic approach to personal and professional balance for coaches in any format.
Savage Grace Coaching is all about bringing resilience and burnout recovery. Especially for overwhelmed entrepreneurs, creators and coaches in the fitness industry.
Schedule a free consulttation call to see if my brand of actionable accountability is right for you and your business.