The myth of safe spaces
“In order to hold space for others and truly be trauma informed you need to create your own internal safe space that is stable and untouchable. A deep calm so that when things go sideways you know which way is up. “
- Ericka Thomas
Transcript
Humans seek safety. It is the driving need behind almost everything we do. It’s why we take certain jobs, why we stay in certain relationships, why we choose to live in one neighborhood over another.
What is a safe space? These days a common farewell born out of the pandemic is “Stay safe”. That term gets thrown around a lot these days and it seems to be accompanied by a lot of eye rolling. Probably because anyone who has lived in the real world for any length of time knows that safety is an illusion. No one can really guarantee safety. What feels safe for one person can be threatening for another. What feels safe in one moment can quickly change in the next. Sometimes it seems like people intentionally choose high risk or scary things. Maybe because whatever that risk is, it's either worth it or that they’ve become so familiar with it that it no longer feels like fear. The only true safe space exists inside each of us where we have 100% control over the environment.
I teach people how to hold space as part of trauma informed coaching and instruction. The purpose of holding space in that way is to create enough safety to calm the nervous system. Why would we want to do that? To find common ground, to be able to speak to each other from a place of bi directional tolerance and understanding, to be able to listen to each other, to be able to learn from one another. Notice I didn’t say to always agree with one another. I think it’s ok that we disagree sometimes. But I want to be very clear here. Being trauma informed and following these principles does not mean that you won’t trigger someone or that they won’t get offended. As an instructor or coach (or just a regular person) you can’t be held responsible for anyone else's emotions or experiences. That’s not what trauma informed means. In order to hold space for others and truly be trauma informed you need to create your own internal safe space that is stable and untouchable. A deep calm so that when things go sideways you know which way is up.
Fear is something we’re all familiar with. Last week on the podcast my guest Alllie Cass and I talked about the link between thoughts, beliefs and emotions and our body’s physiological response. While it’s not important to know exactly how it happens it is important to understand how strong those responses can be. Even if you think that you’re not someone who gets ”anxious”, your ANS - sympathetic nervous system triggers certain physical reactions in your body anytime you are faced with uncertainty, or conflict or even just the perception of those things. Those reactions, increases in heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, digestive issues,changes in appetite, etc.,as well as the flipside reactions ; feelings of depression, avoidance, paralysis, indecision, procrastination might not rise to the level of your awareness but they are happening.
If you are someone who struggles with anxiety or has experienced panic attacks you know what I’m talking about. But fear changes the way you behave. Procrastination is often rooted in fear. You know about fight or flight response but procrastination is a modern form of freeze response. (For me that shows up as a deep desire to clean and organize rather than actually taking any action.)
Avoidance of any kind is similar. I used to say that I was afraid of big crowds and heights because both of those situations elicit very strong physical sensations that can rise to the level of panic for me. So I would avoid those situations. The truth is I just never new how to handle those sensations when they came up. I would try to override them, or ignore them, or fight them. All of those choices only made them worse.
Today I’d like to share some of the tools that I use on a regular basis to self regulate the day to day exposure to stress, anxiety and uncertainty that are 100% within your control.
Get Grounded
Number one thing when creating your internal safe space is to ground yourself. As a yoga instructor I say this often enough that I wonder if my students know what I’m talking about. Here’s how I think of it. Remember when you got in trouble as a kid and would get grounded? No? Maybe that was just me. Anyway, I actually loved getting grounded because it meant I could stay in my room and my brothers wouldn’t bother me ALL day. What I didn’t know at the time is that it was a really great way to get and be present. Grown ups need that too (just not as a punishment).
So how does one do this? You don’t have to literally ground yourself. It’s kind of an internal stepping back out of the moment. Withdrawing to become a witness to what’s going on inside of you.Then I start with my breath. My favorite breathing technique is Lion’s breath because not only do you get to roar but it lets you stretch out the tension in your face, jaw and neck; all places where I hold tension. I totally practice this one in the car, it’s great for when you feel a little road ragey. The physiologic sigh is good too. And box breathing is popular. It’s a little easier to do in public and no one even knows what you’re doing. All of these instantly slow that sympathetic stress response. The important point to remember is that whatever breathing technique you use it’s one that you have to think about. You need to pay attention to it. To be present and notice what’s going on in your body while you’re doing it. Slowing the breath can slow your thoughts and your heart rate.
It gives you a chance to pause, step out of the moment and back into your body and check in. No matter what is going on around you, how scared you feel, in your body you are safe.
What you’re doing is communicating with your nervous system through the body via the breath. What we call bottom up processing.
Find the truth
Then we can work from the top down. The second thing that works for me is to remind myself of the truth. What is 100% true at this moment? The sensations that come up in the body are very real but they don’t always tell you the truth. So you have to be ready to tell yourself the truth. First acknowledge what your body is telling you and then repeat your truth. Lately I’ve been using power mantras. That might be like “My heart is racing and I feel scared and I am also capable of handling this situation.” If you’re familiar with tapping you might recognize the similarity. Tapping is an excellent resource as well and I use it sometimes but these are just things that you can do without stepping out of your day. A power mantra is a short positive present statement that reflects what you want to be, do, feel or have. So by itself it might be something like I am smart and capable. That phrase can be repeated throughout your day and can be used to replace the mean girl bully self talk that is so common.
Take Action
Finally, the ultimate antidote to fear and anxiety is to take some kind of action. I call this Immediate Mission Moments. Get curious,make the phone call, do the research, ask for help, watch the Youtube video, do the exercise, make the list, have the conversation, take a shower. Whatever it is that is causing your fear can’t stand against curiosity and action even if that action doesn’t seem to be related. Action is action and we want to create momentum.
There are three factors that go into an Immediate Mission moment.
They are things you have 100% control over. What can you do and complete?
They are things you can do right now (quickly) that will make some future moment easier for you.
They are things that support and help you hold your boundaries.
Immediate Mission moments are not very sexy. They’re little things that release pressure. Like making your bed every morning because you promised you would and the clutter of an unmade bed is annoying. Or cleaning up the kitchen before you leave the house because you come in through the kitchen and seeing dishes in the sink puts your teeth on edge. Or making the phone call to the bank you’ve been putting off. Whatever it might be that’s just hanging out there, just do it.
Life is overwhelming enough as it is without adding all the other clutter. Action is the true antidote to fear.
Creating safe spaces in this world is, on the surface, a noble endeavor. But the truth is there is no such thing. And if you have to depend on someone else to provide or create such a place for you that exists only outside of yourself then really what you’re creating is more dependence and reinforcing the idea that outside of that physical space is only and always threatening. But if you focus your efforts cultivating and holding a place of safety within you then everywhere you are can be safe. Everywhere you are can feel grounded and present. Anywhere you are you can feel comfort in your own skin. You become and hold your own safe space. No one can hurt you including yourself because you know who you are, you are committed to your own healthy boundaries and you have built internal trust and respect that allows you to make authentic connections with others.
As instructors and coaches we do bear some responsibility for the environment we offer to our clients, that is true. But none of that matters if we ourselves are carrying dysregulated energy into every space anyway.
You have 100% control over your state of being. You choose what to feel. Even though sensations in the body come up fast and can feel out of your control, they are changeable by your thoughts, beliefs, muscle tension and emotions. Believe it or not, emotions only last 90 seconds unless you choose to hold on to them for longer.
This is what I mean when I say stop working out and start working in. This is the work in. And it is work. It’s not a quick fix. Sometimes you do need help to get started. There is no shame in asking for and seeking out that help. Even if that help includes medication, know that you still have access to all kinds of natural modalities to support that. We are learning more and more about the link between our physical and mental health every day.
I hope these tools are helpful. If you like what you heard and you want to know more head over to savagegracecoaching.com/theworkin for all the show notes for this episode and others and if you’re curious about some of the other things I offer to build resilience and relieve stress and anxiety like trauma release exercise you’ll find all kinds of resources and of course easy ways to book a call with me.
Thanks everyone and I’ll see you next time
Hey there!
I’m your host Ericka Thomas. I'm a resilience coach and fit-preneur offering an authentic, actionable realistic approach to personal and professional balance for coaches in any format.
Savage Grace Coaching is all about bringing resilience and burnout recovery. Especially for overwhelmed entrepreneurs, creators and coaches in the fitness industry.
Schedule a free consulttation call to see if my brand of actionable accountability is right for you and your business.